Imagine the heart-wrenching moment when your partner abandons you and your young children—devastation hits not just emotionally, but financially, turning your world upside down in ways you never imagined. This is the raw reality for one reader who reached out to Slate's Pay Dirt advice column, sharing a story that's equal parts heartbreaking and eye-opening. But here's where it gets controversial: Is prioritizing 'amicable' relationships worth sacrificing your financial stability and your kids' future? Let's dive in and unpack this tale, step by step, to see what lessons we can learn—and why it might just change how you view post-divorce life.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I'm 45 now, and back in my late 20s, I finally got my act together by enrolling in nursing school and earning my bachelor's degree. At 37, I tied the knot with 'Jeremy.' Just a couple of years back, we welcomed twins into our lives. I took on a night shift job, while he planned to handle childcare as a stay-at-home dad. Then, out of the blue, he walked out.
About a year and a half before that, we purchased a home. Honestly, it's not my dream house—it's just what we could afford at the time, and he pushed for it. Still, it's decent, and with a solid interest rate, I'd prefer to hang onto it rather than deal with the hassle of selling and searching anew. We financed it through his VA loan (that's a special program for veterans that offers favorable mortgage terms), and we're locked in at around 3.8 percent interest. In our divorce settlement, the house goes to me, but if I decide to sell, I owe him a whopping $25,000 as part of the deal.
Ever since he left, our kids have been living with me full-time, and I've been the only one footing the bills. He's been out of work—who knows if that's intentional—and lately, he's on disability. For a solid year and a half, until he qualified for those benefits, I was sending him $1,000 every month. He acts like I'm rolling in cash, but I'm not. After taxes, I bring home about $6,000 monthly. My mortgage eats up $2,100 of that, and another $1,000 goes to various bills. You can probably guess how tight things are getting.
Before all this, I had stellar credit—no debts except for my student loans. I've got roughly $55,000 in those from accumulated interest. I've been managing them through an income-driven repayment plan, hoping for public service loan forgiveness (a federal program that wipes out loans for those in qualifying jobs after a set period), but with all the political twists lately, it's anyone's guess. Student loan payments were paused for years, but now they're back on, hitting me with nearly $1,000 monthly—even under that income-driven setup. Fast forward to now, and I'm buried in $20,000 of new debt, having opened credit cards from places like Costco and Target just to make ends meet. My car's a 12-year-old clunker, and I'm still the sole provider for our kids.
Keeping things friendly with my ex is crucial to me, shaped by my own upbringing, and I worry that demanding child support would shatter that peace. It feels like I've essentially 'paid' for my kids by giving him so much money, yet I'm stuck in this financial pit. To top it off, health problems have sidelined me, leaving me without income for months on end.
—My Financial Life Fell Apart
Dear My Financial Life Fell Apart,
I might be nitpicking here, but I don't see you as 'falling apart'—what you're really dealing with is a systematic financial drain from someone who bailed on you and your kids. And labeling this arrangement as 'amicable' blurs the line between maintaining harmony and letting yourself be walked all over. The fact that you're hesitant to seek child support hints at deeper issues beneath the surface. And this is the part most people miss: How often do we sacrifice our own well-being to keep the peace, especially when children are involved?
So, let's tackle that head-on: Legally, your children deserve support from their dad, regardless of his disability status. Disability payments can even be garnished to cover child support obligations. What insights did your divorce lawyer provide on this? If you didn't consult one earlier, now's the time—many offer flexible payment plans or scaled fees based on income. Look into free or affordable legal aid via the Legal Services Corporation (https://www.lsc.gov/about-lsc/what-legal-aid/get-legal-help) or your local bar association. Your state's child support enforcement agency (https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css) can also guide you through filing.
Your concern that pursuing support could 'blow everything up' raises red flags for me. Are you genuinely afraid of your ex? If that's the case, it's not true co-parenting—it's a form of lingering control and manipulation. Start documenting it all: his failure to contribute financially, any intimidating messages or behaviors, and his jobless history. This could be vital evidence down the line.
You also touched on serious health challenges that have left you without paychecks for several months. Your twins rely on you staying strong and healthy. Have you explored short-term or long-term disability benefits through your job or the Social Security Administration (https://www.ssa.gov/disability)? As a nurse, you might qualify for workplace disability insurance. If you haven't filed those claims yet, do so right away—it's a safety net designed for exactly these situations.
Regarding your student loans: If your health issues are impacting your earnings, reach out to your loan servicer about options like economic hardship deferment or forbearance (check out StudentAid.gov (https://studentaid.gov/manage-loans/lower-payments/get-temporary-relief) for details). This allows you to pause payments without jeopardizing your path to public service loan forgiveness. Paying $1,000 a month when you're earning nothing doesn't make sense—that's precisely what these temporary relief measures are for, giving you breathing room to recover.
Next, lean on your network for support. Who in your circle can lend a hand? Relatives, close friends, or even a community group? Many houses of worship offer benevolence funds or support circles tailored for single parents facing tough times. Your hospital or employer might provide employee assistance programs with financial counseling, mental health resources, or emergency aid. Dial 211 (or visit 211.org (https://www.211.org/)) through United Way to access local services like food pantries, utility bill help, and childcare assistance—think of it as a one-stop hotline for community resources.
Finally, let's address that $20,000 debt. Once child support is secured, you've connected with other aids, and you're back on track, tackle it methodically. You could use the 'avalanche' approach—focusing on high-interest debts first to minimize total interest paid, then redirecting those savings to the next priority. Or try the 'snowball' method, knocking out smallest balances for quick wins to build momentum and motivation. For beginners, the snowball often feels more rewarding because you see progress faster, while the avalanche saves more money long-term—choose what suits your personality.
In the end, your finances are facing hurdles, no doubt, but they're far from unbeatable. You can—and will—bounce back. But you must stop shielding someone who refuses to support his own children. Right now, prioritize your health and your kids—they're observing how you navigate this. Demonstrate that advocating for yourself and them embodies true resilience.
—Ilyce
More Money Advice From Slate
My parents, who immigrated here, lived extremely frugally and lucked out financially, leaving me as an heiress with a substantial cushion I occasionally tap into. Since my high school days, I've worked in the arts, saved diligently, and mostly stuck to living within my budget. I derive great pleasure from my career and embrace sustainability—like shopping for secondhand items and minimizing food waste. What brings me joy is splurging on treats for friends, such as dinners, concerts, and vacations, plus contributing to GoFundMe fundraisers. However, in certain friendships, once people learn about my deeper financial resources, they start exploiting it. (https://slate.com/advice/2025/02/heiress-treat-friends-concerts-trips-awkward-money-advice.html)
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What do you think about this situation? Is avoiding child support to keep things 'amicable' the right choice, or does it enable unfair behavior? And here's a controversial twist: Some might argue that 'amicable' divorces just perpetuate power imbalances—do you agree, or is there value in preserving peace for the kids? Share your perspectives, agreements, or disagreements in the comments below. We'd love to hear from you!
